Big Bend drives me to silence. All I want to do, when I’m there, is to look at the landscapes as they stretch out around me and confront the enormity of time and think about all the lifetimes it took to get from there to here. After all, it’s a land that once sat at the bottom of a sea that first formed 100 million years ago, then became pocked marked with raging volcanoes 40 million years ago, then went quiet to let wind, rivers, and rain carve the landscape into its present form, one grain of sand at a time. It’s a lovely, slow-moving panorama.

My Mexican Plum is full of blooms, for the first time ever. We had a few single blooms last year. But this year is the real deal. There are flowers everywhere, from bottom to top. I’d like to think it’s happening because I took out one of the Turks Caps to give the tree more breathing room, but it’s more likely the tree has finally matured into it fruit bearing years.

I’ve sunk into my medieval self, the world of two sleeps, as described by historian Roger Ekrich in his book At Day’s Close: Night in Times Past. I wake at three, bounce around a bit and go back to sleep. I have to be careful though, sometimes I let the waking get away from me, and simply stay up. But usually, sleep overtakes me and I succumb. Of course, it helps I’m no longer driven by the clock and work. I can sleep until I wake, which is why I’ve mostly given up on my alarm.

My upright rosemary is blooming. That’s a first. I guess it needed time to acclimate to its new home. The are also green buds on three small trees, the persimmon, the Mexican plum, and the sandpaper tree. And the mealy sage a friend gave me last year is coming up from their roots. Lots of growth activity in the gardens and the grounds. At some point next month, I’ll have to get busy myself. But I have a trip coming up, and my resources are dedicated.

It seems spring is coming to the garden. It might be a tad early. It’s only February. But the bulbs are popping up, the Coral Sage is sprouting, and the grass is green. If I had been a more diligent steward I might have noted these changes through the years, then I could speak with confidence of the early or lateness of things. Unfortunately, all I can do now is speak in generalities.

I voted. Did my civic duty. Although this is just us picking our team. Still voting is a thing I’ve cherished since I cast my first ballot in 1968. I was on active duty in Quantico, Virginia. Mailed my ballot back home. I really pondered over that vote, weighed the pros and cons before making my decision. It felt momentous. It made me feel like an adult.

What I did this weekend. Watched a sunset. Watched it rain. Listened to music. Visited with friends. Thought about my two boys having a weekend together. Slept late. Fed the cats. Made plans. Talked about the missing. Talked about the living. Drove a back road. Simple things. The pleasures of life.

It’s fun to have company, especially when it’s a child, and he brings his guitars, and he helps with a plumbing project because that’s fun, too. So, yesterday evening I managed to get a new faucet installed in the guest bathroom, troubleshoot a toilet issue, learn three new chords, and have a pizza and beer. And speaking of children, earlier in the day I got a call from my daughter who moaned about missing out on the music.

I feel fairly centered these days and satisfied, too. Although, it gives me pause sometimes to write about it, because I know I’m running in a universe of people who are reasonably well off, and in some cases better than that. So, I can understand why someone with a harder life might say, of course you’re satisfied. Who wouldn’t be? And I would take their point.

The most recent phases of my life, the illness and death of a loved one, came to me with preset standards, relatively easy to follow. I brought some of myself to the situations, of course, but choices were limited. This new phase, this passing into my ninth decade, is less clearly defined, because basically it’s just me growing old and deciding how I want to do it.

Yesterday in the early evening, I was driving along listening to my music when Jimmy Lafave came on to sing, Rain Falling Down. A sweet, hard to describe, everything is beautiful feeling came over me, brought on by Jimmy’s voice, the time of day, and the melody. And I knew it was mine to feel because I’d felt it many times before with other songs and other things in other times and other places.

I have a catalog of missed opportunities and minor failures. It sits waiting in my brain for those moments when I feel the need to ruminate or brood. Typically, this happens late at night, but I’ve been known to do it while taking a walk or simply sitting in the front room. Usually it involves regret, as in, why did I do that or not do that? It feels like it’s a good time to try and break that habit, because my long life is starting to come back and bite me.

More about aging. I think I’m going to approach this journey through my ninth decade as I would any of the moves we made as a child, or the changes I encountered as an adult. It’s an opportunity, a thing to be explored, embraced. Besides, I’ve never gone into any decade of my life thinking I knew what was waiting at the end. Why should this one be any different? Granted, the actuarial tables are against me, but why assume the mean?

I’ve started work on my new book, Learning to Live. It’s about me navigating the murky waters of grief. It starts the day after my wife died and continues to this day. It’s a personal story because grief is a personal story. But the hope in publishing is that by telling my tales, a struggling reader might find a thought or an idea that proves useful, provides relief, gives hope, and says, you’re not alone.

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I strapped on a new set of strings and went to the open mic last night at the Villa at Gruene, hosted by my young friend Bo Brumble. It was a coolish evening, but the heaters were running and I had cup of black coffee to warm me up and help me focus. I played my three songs, then sat to visit with Bo and listen to the other musicians. It was a pleasant night with good company all around.

I had a full day yesterday. Got a good result from a doctor. Changed the oil in my new-to-me car. Bought a few groceries. Edited a few videos. Watched a package I sent to my son in Cypress go all the way to New Orleans as it made its way to him. Seems rather roundabout, but I cannot pretend I understand the mysteries of postal shipping. Nor do I understand most of life’s mysteries.

When I started this writing adventure, it was mostly me looking at the world around my feet and commenting on it. A slow casual walk through life. Turns out there is lots to see in the ordinary. Then the elephant arrived: my wife’s dementia. I tried writing around it, but it was too big to ignore as was my grief in the aftermath of her death in 2020. Even now, six years on it seems as fresh as yesterday.

I woke to memories of rain, but a quick look outside said it was only the wind. It’s bad enough to wake up at 3:30 but even worse to discover the sound pulling you out of a deep sleep was nothing you yearned for. But isn’t that just like life? It flirts with you, gets your hopes up, and then teaches you a bitter lesson. Onward. I’m sure it will rain one day soon.

I have a mug, my mug, at my daughter’s home. It’s a nice hefty, bulbous mug, black with a deep red interior and a dark red UH on the front for my alma mater, the University of Houston. Whenever I’m in the house, I use it to drink my coffee. I got it for Christmas one year as an official encouragement to come visit any time I want, to let me know I’m always welcome. Sweet gesture.

I went to the recital of a friend’s granddaughter last night. It wasn’t planned, and part of a longer story, but that’s alright. The family has played a key role in my life since the death of my wife and the grandchildren know me as Mister John. We get along well. And getting to see one of them play at a recital reminded me of how much I missed my little grand-kids in Virginia and their recitals. So, it was a fun thing to do.